Ten Things You Learn When Growing Up in the South

December 20, 2016

 

Born and raised in the south. I learned some valuable lessons.

 

1.   When your grandmother sends you outside to pick a switch, don’t choose one that’ll break. She’ll be even madder if she has to go get one herself.

 

2.   In the summer, keep your flip-flops on until you reach the wet sand or you’ll burn your feet.

 

3.   “Fixinta” is a verb warning of intention to take action, usually involving cooking or opening a can of whoop-*ss. Examples: “I’m fixinta make supper.” “I’m fixinta send you out for a switch.”

 

4.   “A month of Sundays” is a really long time.

 

5.   Just because they come six to a pack, doesn’t mean you have to drink them all in one go.

 

6.   A lady should know how to shoot a gun and her whiskey, but not on Sundays.

 

7.   When cooking vegetables, one must include a pork product, salt, pepper, and possibly hot sauce.

 

8.   The bigger the hair, the bigger the gossip.

 

9.   When wearing shorts, always check the temperature of the surface before you sit. Blistering burns on your backside are a thing.

 

10.   Driving a lawnmower while drunk is illegal. Driving a lawnmower to the liquor store is about the same as waving a beer at a passing police car.

 

Bonus: The phrase, “Your mouth’s writing checks your butt ain’t cashin’,” has nothing to do with banking.

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